Lou and Andy Transcripts

The opera:

Tom Baker: Andy's birthday is just over a year away, and his friend Lou has decided to do something special.
Lou: Right there's your milk. It's your birthday coming up and I said I'd take you to London to see a show.
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: The shows are advertised here.
Lou: Which one do you want to see?
Andy: That one.
Lou: Royal Opera House. You won't enjoy that.
Andy: That one.
Lou: What about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
Lou: With Michael Balls. You like Michael Balls.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Which one do you want to see?
Andy: That one.
Lou: "La Traviata." It's an opera.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: It's very expensive. It's about a hundred pounds a ticket.
Andy: That one.
Lou: All right, we'll go to the opera.
Lou and Andy in their usual clothes, are sat, accompanied by a few very well-dressed people. The music starts. We hear a few notes before...
Andy: I don't like it.
 

Swimming Pool:

Tom Baker: If you have a verruca, and would like to share it with others, then why not pop down to your local swimming pool?
Andy: I wanna get in.
Lou: Yeah I'll get you in in a minute. I've just got to find a life guard to help you get in. Wait there. Ok.
Andy: I wanna get in!
Lou: In a minute.
Lou: Excuse me. Could you give me a hand?
(Andy gets out of wheelchair and dives in off the top board)
Lou: I'm here with a friend who you may have seen is in a wheelchair.
Lou: I need a little bit of help getting him in and out of the pool.
Lou: Getting him in is not really a kerfuffle.
Lou: Getting him out isn't a kerfuffle.
Lou: It's relatively kerfuffle-free.
Lou: But he does have a slight fear of water.
Lou: You know? He likes the water, but he's not a strong swimmer.
Lou: It's really doggie paddle, if anything.
Lou: We just need to help him get in and out.
Lou: I like him to go swimming. It's good exercise.
Lou: You know what I mean? I think it's just a case of me taking the upper body
Lou: and you maybe taking the legs, the lower body, and just lowering him in very gently.
Lou: So, shall we go help him in?
Lou: Right, how are we gonna do this?
(Andy gets out of pool and into wheelchair)
Lou: Did you shower?
Andy: Ah, Yeah.
 

Smurf Outfit:

Tom Baker: It's late early evening and Lou is taking his friend Andy out for dinner.
Lou: The table's booked for seven. We'd better get you dressed then, hadn't we?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: Now, what do you want to wear?
Andy: Smurf.
Lou: Smurf? You want to wear your Smurf outfit?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: It's quite a smart restaurant. I'm not really sure a Smurf outfit is appropriate for there.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: So what do you wanna wear?
Andy: Smurf.
Lou: Mmm. This Chinese food is delicious.
Andy: I look a pillock.
Andy: Do you do crisps?
 

Bathroom:

Tom Baker: In Herby, Lou is making some changes to his friend Andy's bathroom.
Lou: So, I'm gonna put these here and here, OK? (TOILET HAND RAILS)
Andy: Yeah. Why?
Lou: So you can do toilet when I'm not here.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: So we think one here. Yes?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: And one...here. Yes?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: I'll have to drill into the wall, you know.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Could you, er, pass me the drill?
Andy: No, I can't reach it.
Lou: Right, I've finished. Do you want to come and have a look?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: Right. Heh, heh, heh. Here we go.
Lou: Ta-da! What do you reckon?
Andy: Yeah, I like it. What's it for?
Lou: So you can do toilet when I'm not here.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Do you want to try it out?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: All right. I will leave you to it.
(Andy stands up to go)
Lou: How are you getting on?
Andy: Yeah, fine.
 

Ice Cream:

Tom Baker: As a special treat, Lou has taken his friend Andy to the seaside.
Lou: Right, can I have, please, a whippy with a flake?
Lou: Have you decided what you're having? What do you want?
Andy: Just a cone.
Lou: And another whippy, plain.
Andy: No, just a cone.
Lou: Just a cone on its own? No whippy?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: It'll be very dry.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Tell you what. Have a little bit of ice cream. You like ice cream. You said it was the perfect complement to a hot summer's day. What's it to be?
Andy: Cone.
Lou: And then just a cone on its own. Thank you.
Andy: I want a whippy.
 

Video Shop:

Tom Baker: Lou and his friend Andy choose a videotape.
Lou: Have you seen anything you might like?
Andy: I want that one.
Lou: That one? That is "Pride and Prejudice".
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: I'm not sure you'll like that one.
Andy: I want that one.
Lou: It's all set in the olden days. No, I'm not sure you'll like that. You like Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Just to be safe, why don't we get a film with guns in it as well, in case you don't like this?
Andy: I want that one.
Lou: You know I'm going to see Maria. I can't get another one if you don't like it.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Are you sure you want this one?
Andy: Yep.
(Lou puts video on)
Andy: I don't like it.
Lou: Well, I'm sorry, but you're stuck with it. I told you. I've got to go and see Maria. I'll be back around six.
(Lou goes out door and Andy get out of chair and changes video)
Monster Trucks, Monster Trucks, Monster Trucks...
 

The Pub:

Lou: Right. We'd better get you home, hadn't we?
Andy: I know.
Lou: Do you need to use the toilet before we go?
Andy: No.
Lou: Are you sure?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: Once I've got you in the van, you won't be able to do toilet.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: If I have to stop, that's a right kerfuffle.
Andy: I know.
Lou: Are you sure you don't need the toilet?
Andy: Yeah.
(Lou gets Andy into the van)
Andy: I need to go toilet.
 

Chocolate:

Tom Baker: It's ten minutes since Andy last ate, and his stomach's already rumbling.
Lou: Right, just gonna go and pick up Maria. Anything you need me to do before I go?
Andy: Yeah, I want a chocolate.
Lou: These chocolates are for when Maria comes round.
Andy: I want a chocolate.
Lou: All right, you can have one. Now... Which one do you want?
Andy: That one.
Lou: That one?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: That's dark chocolate.
Andy: I know.
Lou: You don't like dark chocolate.
Andy: I know.
Lou: You say dark chocolate has a bitter edge and lacks the oral ecstasy of its milkier cousin.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Well, why don't you have the caramel tub, then? You like the caramel tub. It's caramel.
Andy: I want that one.
Lou: They're going back on the shelf now.
Andy: I don't like it.
Lou: I did warn you.
Andy: Can I have another, to take the taste away?
Lou: You can have another one when Maria gets here, and not before. See you later.
(Door closes and Andy gets up and eats the whole box)
 

Pet Shop:

Tom Baker: If people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop. If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop. If they want to buy a pet shop shop, they're just being silly.
Lou: You'll have to think of a name for this rabbit.
Andy: Name for it, yeah.
Lou: I wonder where they are?
Andy: I want that one.
Lou: That one?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: Well, that's a snake.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: You don't like snakes. You're scared of them. Remember that film with all the snakes in it? You said all serpents had an aura of evil.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Let's get a rabbit, then.
Andy: I want that one.
Lou: Are you sure?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: It's your birthday money. What will you call it?
Andy: Thumper.
Lou: We'll take the snake, please, yeah.
Andy: I want a rabbit!
 

Library:

Tom Baker: The word "library" is derived from the Latin, "libres", meaning "ssh".
Lou: So...have you seen anything you fancy?
Andy: Yeah, I want that one.
Lou: That is a book on Chinese history.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: How do you know? You weren't looking at it!
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: It all looks a bit involved, really. How about that book I was telling you about in the van, about the cave boy in a rubbish tip? "Stig of the Dumps."
Andy: And I want that one!
Lou: That is "Chinese Language and its Origins". Again it, uh...it might be a little bit hard for you.
Andy: I want it!
Lou: All right, you've got these two. You're allowed one more. Shall we look for "Stig of the Dumps"?
Andy: That one!
Lou: That one?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: That is the same one as you've got there.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Well... Are you sure you want these three?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: You're positive?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: All right, let's go and get them stamped. So are you happy with your choices?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: Are you sticking with these three?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: Good.
Andy: I can't read.
 

Stairs:

Tom Baker: With the hospital lift out of order, Lou has pushed his friend Andy up three flights of stairs.
Lou: What a kerfuffle! They should get that lift fixed.
Andy: What are we doing?
Lou: Remember Maria who looked after you? She's not been well, so we're taking her some flowers.
Andy: Then can we go?
Lou: Yeah. I'll go and find out what ward she's on.
Lou: Excuse me, Nurse. Can you tell me where I might find Maria Donnelly, please? (whilst Lou talks to the nurse, Andy stands up and stretches then sites back down)
Nurse: Yes, she's in Griffiths Ward. Next floor up.
Lou: Oh, thanks.
Lou: Up one more flight, I'm afraid.
Andy: Oh, no.
Lou: Yeah.
 

Card Shop:

Tom Baker: Since cigarette smoking has become mandatory, newsagents in Britain have flourished.
Lou: Right, now, you know it's Declan's birthday coming up.
Andy: Who?
Lou: Declan, your brother.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: It's his birthday. You've got to get him a card. Can you see any you like?
Andy: I want that one.
Lou: That one?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: That says "With deepest sympathy".
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: That's what you send someone when somebody's died.
Andy: I want that one.
Lou: I'm not sure Declan's gonna like that. It's gonna send out the wrong message.
Lou: Declan likes sailing boats. Why don't we get one with sailing boats?
Andy: I want that one!
Lou: This one's got a sailing boat. He likes sailing boats.
Andy: That one!
Lou: Are you sure this is the card you want to send Declan for his birthday?
Andy: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Andy: It's his birthday, he's not dead!
 

Holiday:

Lou: Right. I've got the brochures here. Now, let's have a look and see where you wanna go.
Andy: That one.
Lou: You wanna go there?
Andy: Yeah, that one.
Lou: Well, that is Helsinki.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: You wanna go to Helsinki?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: We've got loads of brochures here. We haven't even looked yet.
Lou: We could go to Rome or Barcelona or Florida. You can go to Florida very cheap now.
Andy: Helsinki.
Lou: But you said Finland had a maudlin quality to it and it was unsuitable as a holiday destination.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Where do you wanna go?
Andy: Helsinki.
Lou: You're sticking with Helsinki?
Andy: Helsinki.
(Lou and Andy take off for their Holiday to Helsinki)
Andy: I wanna go to Florida!
 

Maria's Funeral:

Tom Baker: It is a sad day in Andy's flat and Lou is being as gentle as he can with him.
Lou: You know it's Maria's funeral today, don't you?
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: We'd better put you in your smart suit, shouldn't we?
Andy: Yeah. Who's Maria?
Lou: Maria's the nice lady who looked after you before she got too ill.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Let's just slip these off. Oh, there you go! What a kerfuffle! I don't know how Maria coped on her own all those years! Right... Let's just get these smart trousers on. One foot... Two foot. There you go. Oh, it's hard work! Right, let's find you a nice belt. You want to look smart, give her a good send-off.
Andy: Good send-off, yeah.
Lou: Ah! This is the one Maria bought you.
Andy: Yeah. Who's Maria?
 

Paints Bedroom:

Tom Baker: In Herby, Lou Todd has kindly offered to paint his friend Andy's bedroom.
Lou: Now, are you sure you want red?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: I've got a very nice blue here. You like blue.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: But you'd rather have red?
Andy: Red, yeah.
Lou: You did ask for red last time and then said you didn't like it. You said it was oppressive. You said red was the colour of blood and death.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: So what's it to be?
Andy: Red.
Lou: I'm not painting it once and then having to do it again 'cause you say you don't like it. That's a right kerfuffle.
Andy: I know.
Lou: So final choice, red?
Andy: Red! Yeah.
Lou: Do you want to do the last little bit?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: OK. There we go. There, finished.
Andy: I don't like red! (Andy throws paint brush on carpet)
 

New Wheelchair:

Tom Baker: At his home in Herby, Andy is busy eating his own body weight in nuts.
Lou: What are you watching? "Monster Trucks"?
Andy: "Monster Trucks", yeah.
Lou: Well, I have got something rather special for you.
Andy: What is it?
Lou: It's the new chair you wanted.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: I had to go all the way to Cranmouth for it. It was a right kerfuffle. Right, let's pop you in it here. One, two, aargh! That's got you, that's got you. That's got you. Ooh! That's got you. That's got you.
Andy: I don't like it.
Lou: Give it a chance.
Andy: I wanna get out.
Lou: Maybe you just need a cushion or something. I'll go and pop your tea on and then I'll come back and sort it out.
Lou: Everything all right?
(Andy gets out the new chair and tips it over)
Andy: Yeah, fine.
 

Bonfire:

Tom Baker: Bonfires in Britain are a great way of getting rid of those old things lying around that you don't need any more. Only last week I found an old bonfire I never use and put that on a bonfire.
Lou: Right, this is the last of the boxes.
Lou: Are you sure you want all this stuff burnt?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: Got all your old books and your games in here. Are you sure you don't want them?
Andy: Yeah.
Lou: You want it all put on the fire?
Andy: Yeah, burn it up.
Lou: 'Cause once I burn it, you can't have it back. You do know that?
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: You want it all burnt?
Andy: Yeah.
Andy: I want me stuff back. (Fifteen minutes later).

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